I lay awake many nights, wondering what more I could do for my kids. I wonder if I had done this differently, would they have responded better? Exhausted, I wonder if I hadn’t yelled, would they have been more apt to listen? What good did my yelling do? Nothing! Just them yelling and screaming more and right back at me.
I sometimes don’t know how to respond to their meltdowns. Sometimes I don’t realize it is a meltdown until I have already reacted and worsened the situation. How long is it going to take me to learn? These are all the things I lay in bed and think about. It used to be bills, work, the chores I didn’t finish. It is all about what I’m doing wrong to raise these two kids.
We are our worse critics. I can point out all my faults throughout the day. I can’t think of one good thing that I have done. I think it is time for respite. Probably way overdue.
I am still unpacking from our recent move, so I am dealing with feelings of inadequacy and unorganized. I hate being unorganized. My whole life is off when things are not in place, and my house is in disarray, which adds to my inadequacies with the kids. The amazing thing is they don’t criticize me or tell me I am doing everything wrong. They hug me when they see a frown on my face or give me some of their lunch just because. It’s all in my head. It’s all me causing me to feel inadequate.
Why do we do this to ourselves? I am by no means an overachiever. I want what is best for these kids. I want them to grow, have beautiful experiences, and make memories that they will hold on to throughout their lives. I want them to have all the chances to succeed, just like every other parent wants for their child. I want them to have a normal childhood. Their normal is different from Neurotypical children.
Maybe my thinking that they are different will cause them to feel different. Their normal consists of ABA several times a week for hours and other therapies. However, since our move, we are not doing anything, and I notice a regression in both of them. We are waiting for the transfer to be picked up by the new regional center. If I don’t hear from them in a week, I will call them myself. It is not good to not receive any services after they have had such intense services.
Advocate, Advocate!